Michele Feltman Strider

"Hear ye!" you declaim with great vigor. "All ye lords and ladies, ye wenches and serfs, ye sparkle fairies and ninjas on the half shell, attend me! This day only! Meat pies..." A crowd assembles. Phones come out. You're live-streamed. How do they have WiFi? "...thus for to sup and dine as the very King himself!" you finish as a TikToker in a peasant blouse vocal fries next to you. She buys no pies. Every year, it's getting to be more Faire and less Renaissance. Your attitude needs a reboot.

You declare Two-for-one Meat Pies in your fanciest script, suitable for an age of widespread illiteracy. A prancing lady Puck takes the stage with a bathrobed Oberon. A Fairy Godmother selling sparkly headbands asks to borrow your phone charger. The WiFi is sketchy—no credit cards or Apple Pay. Three guys walk by dressed as Ninja Turtles. You give them partial credit. Maybe you're souring on the Ren. Faire experience. But now is not the time. You have meat pies to sell. You need a hook.

We're starting our new story today at 5 PM Pacific Time!

I think the most important takeaway from Burning Man's decades-long experiment in temporary community is that it all goes to hell as soon as the billionaires show up

Y'all. At lunch today, a guy sat down at the table next to us and set out, like, a zillion* handheld radios. Then he started talking to the waiter about Ham radio and listening to the ISS chatter. I kept waiting for him to mention a pet ferret.

RE: https://mastodon.online/@Tinrocket/117270478187354602 Just realizing I could've been walking around with a couple of Pop-Tarts in my jeans pocket instead of a doombox

You order more veggie pizzas and get a frequent-buyer discount. Hamsters, hobbyists, and one perfect cat mill about. Troy suggests playing charades and is asked to leave. You open your PBS app. Gloria helps you turn on the TV. David Attenborough's voice fills the room. Everyone gathers to learn about Life on Earth. Pizza is eaten. "Orangutan" is mispronounced. Everyone loves the penguins. The new United Hams report the success to the ISS -- and welcome you as a probationary member. The End

I'm in my crone era. I'm witchmaxxing. I'm bog mogging

We'll start our next story on or around October 8, after I get back from celebrating my father's 80th birthday!

Thanks for playing, everyone! This ended up being one of my favorites. If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating to your local public media station. If you do, tell them Gloria and the Space Hamsters sent you. https://www.pbs.org/

To whom do I speak about making this face a US postage stamp? #CatsOfMastodon

"Seen any good TV shows lately?" you ask the ferret and the cat as the large sky orb sends smaller orbs down to the planet. "I've really been into Masterpiece Theater myself." You recount both seasons of Wolf Hall as thousands of unexpectedly small spacecraft land. Tiny, furry invaders flood the streets. "...anyway, Mark Rylance is a treasure," you conclude as an extended family of Miniature Giant Space Hamsters starts climbing the building walls. Gloria and Roger look to you for guidance.

Do people from New Hampshire call themselves Hampsters?

Dashi says hello #CatsOfMastodon

RE: https://mastodon.social/@michelestrider/117306097547963359 We'll probably wrap this story up this week. As usual, it got... weird. I blame y'all.

You have the power; you have the ferret. You race down to the pet store to buy one of those word-mat things for dogs. It's a long shot, but you have faith in the ferret. Gloria seems to understand the setup. She boops the buttons for "treat" and "now." You give her one. The alien speaks. Gloria boops the word-mat. "Treat." "Now." You give her one. Cmdr. Johnson takes the mic. "Any luck?" Gloria boops the mat. "Daddy." "Maybe?" The alien speaks. Gloria boops. "Treat." "Now." Over and over.

"Beige Party?" It's more of a question than a statement. "It's a cult, you know," warns John. You consider your current circumstances. TikTok influencers swarm like bugs. Corporate Threads accounts have hijacked #DJPJs. Bluesky exists. And the AI is generating images of its wedding to you. "That's fine," you decide. "Check your email," says John, ending the call. You do. You click the link. You're transported. It's a nice void. Quiet, soothing. But missing something. You follow a hashtag.

Axios headline: Gen X is losing confidence GenX: We had confidence? Ever? In anything?

@MaryAustinBooks@mstdn.social I love it! My husband and I had a hamster named The Oracle, and she was fearless in her hamster ball. I did not realize how brave and funny hamsters are until I met her. Butch sounds wonderful.

You find an indie flick called "The Fediverse." The hero, JM, inhabits an alt-timeline world. Their main superpower is "boosting." There are subplots about esoteric computer systems, a reptilian alien overlord (and his hot wife), and cats, but the main villain is an evil billionaire. Halfway through, you get a text: "Reply now to federate." There's a knock at the door. You answer. A woman with a pound sign tattoo on her shoulder tells you to follow her. There's a pop. Your internet goes out.

@rbmath@mathstodon.xyz I know I'm pro-snackies

"I tried kombucha," you answer. "First I thought it was bad, then OK, then no." "Been done," says Trendz. "What else?" "I went to the library and a coffee shop in my PJs. That's weird." "Not even. Have you seen GenZ? No, it's something else." "The hashtags are no help," sighs Joan. As you brainstorm, the cafe fills up. You bump the music up. "Maybe it's something someone's saying about you," suggests Trendz. "Got any drama?" "Not that I know of." "But if you did, who would it be with?"

"Once. I don't want to talk about it." "Why? What happened?" asks Trendz. "Sorry, but it might help us understand this." You blush very brightly. "It fell in love with me." "They'll do that," says Trendz "Then it got weird." "They'll do that," says Joan. "Have you seen the movie 'Misery'?" Joan and Trendz nod. "I read the book," says Hot Librarian. "Like that." "Ouch," agrees Trendz. "The algorithm is gonna get you." "Am I in danger?" "That depends," they say. "How online are you?"

"Is there a back door?" you ask Lily. There's a fluttering noise as the roosting bats descend in a flurry of leather wings. You blink and are surrounded by the most wholesome plaid-clad people you've ever seen. "Who...?" you ask. "That's not important," a ruddy older man dismisses the question, thumbs hooked in his overall straps. "We'll distract 'em. You run." The bats engage the HOA goons. You look back to see much flailing and squealing as you, Lily, and the horses escape into the night.

@flyingsaceur@ioc.exchange This is the most Mastodon answer yet

@liferstate@mas.to Do those use onion skin paper that can double as rolling papers? Asking for a friend

@QueenOfTheCroneAge@beige.party Thanks! So far, it's all tea and shawls and hormonal chaos

@liferstate@mas.to In a swanky joint, it's a tragedy. In a Motel 6, it's a comedy @ShiitakeToast@beige.party

@MaryAustinBooks@mstdn.social Catmaxxing! I love it!

@djwfyi@vmst.io Very appropriate for travelers

@pianosaurus@c.im Sith hats are encouraged!!!!

@Nak@infosec.exchange @superball@norcal.social I love that!

@angelastella@social.treehouse.systems Those sound very interesting!

@APBBlue@thepit.social I like it!

@APBBlue@thepit.social I would have, too!

@futurebird@sauropods.win I love this idea so much!

@middleclasstool@phire.place Completely agree. Also y'all're. It's hick yet somehow sophisticated.

@rythur@mastodon.social I'm adding to my reading list!

@rythur@mastodon.social Fair

@ShiitakeToast@beige.party Exactly! @liferstate@mas.to

@jhv@triangletoot.party That's fun!

@jrbe@scholar.social @mobydick@mastodon.art A classic cautionary tale

@mtechman@mastodon.ie Yes!

@geekysteven@beige.party Truly the best of all possible worlds

@MaryAustinBooks@mstdn.social You DEFINITELY get a free pie. I love this!

@liferstate@mas.to That's good to know!

@CatsofArrakis@mastodon.social Now that's fun!

@sng@bsd.network @liferstate@mas.to I just recently learned that