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  Just a reminder that, in addition to dumb poll stories, I also write dumb books. https://bookshop.org/shop/MicheleStrider

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  You all agree that a Love Spell has the greatest potential for hilarity. You briefly debate what magic word to use. The Princess insists on "zap." Together, you focus your intent and aim your wands at the unsuspecting monarch. "Three, two, one, zap!" you whisper in unison, waving your sparkly Ren. Faire toys. King Jim sneezes. Majestically. Opens his eyes. And falls madly in love with the first thing he sees: the actor playing Bottom. Crushing on an actor; there is no g...

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  You agree to help bewitch King Jim. He talked about theater at you. It is right and just. It takes a minute to find a hidden spot with a clear view of the royal box. You're not sure how precise you need to be. Your only previous experience is with close-range pastries. You'd rather err on the side of caution. There's no point in some random earl catching a stray. They're at the theater; they've suffered enough. You agree on a three-two-one-go countdown, but not on what the...

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  "The play's the thing," you decide. "Summon the players!" King Jim demands. Men in tights and skirts gather and loudly declaim, "Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour draws on apace; four happy days bring in another moon..." You brought this on yourself. As Jim watches the play, the Princess and Fairy Godmother sneak off. They gesture for you to follow, just as Jim decides to expound on why, and how much, he hates Titania. (female, magic, and oh, so much.)...

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  "...and she's buying a stairway to Heaven," you conclude as the feasting nobility sit in silence. King Jim leaps to his feet, applauding his hands off. The rest of the group takes the hint and huzzahs. "Brilliant!" he declares. "A fit rebuke of the excess of Rome! To compare the Papal dictator, in his bright robes and golden finery, to a woman! Fine satire!" You return to the main table where the Princess and Fairy Godmother sit. "We shall toast your he...

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  "Have you heard of a Renaissance Faire?" you begin. "Sounds French," King Jim sniffs. "It's like a carnival..." "Still sounds French." "With games and food and stuff for sale..." J-Rex gestures broadly all around. "OK," you admit. "But there's Shakespeare in the Park..." "Lost his theater, did he? I'm more of a Marlowe man myself." "Me, too. Raymond Chandler's the best." "Summo...

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  You should eat a pie and see what happened to the cosplayers. It's the only responsible choice. Plus, the mushroom ones have been tempting you since you skipped breakfast. Halfway, you start to feel something: full. Heroically, you power through to the final bite... And find yourself in the Royal Box of a great joust. The Princess and Fairy Godmother sit next to you. Very shiny riders prepare their large horses and long, pointy sticks. A dude in an impressive Tudor cap asks who you're...

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  You wave the magic wand over your display of hand pies, hoping to imbue them with the vibe of whatever is happening here. They continue to be pies. The Fairy Godmother returns the favor of patronage and buys a couple of meat pies. She declares them "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Good." You forgive her for that. The tiny princess demands and receives a berry pie. She rewards you with a jammy purple grin. With the last bite of pie, both cosplayers disappear into a poof of nothingness. No one else...

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  "Hear ye!" you declaim with great vigor. "All ye lords and ladies, ye wenches and serfs, ye sparkle fairies and ninjas on the half shell, attend me! This day only! Meat pies..." A crowd assembles. Phones come out. You're live-streamed. How do they have WiFi? "...thus for to sup and dine as the very King himself!" you finish as a TikToker in a peasant blouse vocal fries next to you. She buys no pies. Every year, it's getting to be more Faire and less Renai...

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  You declare Two-for-one Meat Pies in your fanciest script, suitable for an age of widespread illiteracy. A prancing lady Puck takes the stage with a bathrobed Oberon. A Fairy Godmother selling sparkly headbands asks to borrow your phone charger. The WiFi is sketchy—no credit cards or Apple Pay. Three guys walk by dressed as Ninja Turtles. You give them partial credit. Maybe you're souring on the Ren. Faire experience. But now is not the time. You have meat pies to sell. You need a hook.

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  We're starting our new story today at 5 PM Pacific Time!

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  Gloria leads her conga line of space hamsters out of the shop. More hamsters catch the rhythm. The street becomes a huge mini-giant rodent second line. The complete absence of music adds a soupçon of horror. You follow, doing your best footwork. You arrive at Gloria's house with an entourage of confused Radio Club members and peckish aliens. Gloria looks to you. "Treat now," you both agree. With her person in orbit, she's appointed you host. You open your well-worn pizza de...

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  RE: https://mastodon.social/@michelestrider/117306097547963359 We'll probably wrap this story up this week. As usual, it got... weird. I blame y'all.

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  "Seen any good TV shows lately?" you ask the ferret and the cat as the large sky orb sends smaller orbs down to the planet. "I've really been into Masterpiece Theater myself." You recount both seasons of Wolf Hall as thousands of unexpectedly small spacecraft land. Tiny, furry invaders flood the streets. "...anyway, Mark Rylance is a treasure," you conclude as an extended family of Miniature Giant Space Hamsters starts climbing the building walls. Gloria and...

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  Do people from New Hampshire call themselves Hampsters?

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  Y'all. At lunch today, a guy sat down at the table next to us and set out, like, a zillion* handheld radios. Then he started talking to the waiter about Ham radio and listening to the ISS chatter. I kept waiting for him to mention a pet ferret.

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  You have the power; you have the ferret. You race down to the pet store to buy one of those word-mat things for dogs. It's a long shot, but you have faith in the ferret. Gloria seems to understand the setup. She boops the buttons for "treat" and "now." You give her one. The alien speaks. Gloria boops the word-mat. "Treat." "Now." You give her one. Cmdr. Johnson takes the mic. "Any luck?" Gloria boops the mat. "Daddy." "Ma...

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  RE: https://mastodon.online/@Tinrocket/117270478187354602 Just realizing I could've been walking around with a couple of Pop-Tarts in my jeans pocket instead of a doombox

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  I think the most important takeaway from Burning Man's decades-long experiment in temporary community is that it all goes to hell as soon as the billionaires show up

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  "Beige Party?" It's more of a question than a statement. "It's a cult, you know," warns John. You consider your current circumstances. TikTok influencers swarm like bugs. Corporate Threads accounts have hijacked #DJPJs. Bluesky exists. And the AI is generating images of its wedding to you. "That's fine," you decide. "Check your email," says John, ending the call. You do. You click the link. You're transported. It's a nice void. Qu...

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  "Once. I don't want to talk about it." "Why? What happened?" asks Trendz. "Sorry, but it might help us understand this." You blush very brightly. "It fell in love with me." "They'll do that," says Trendz "Then it got weird." "They'll do that," says Joan. "Have you seen the movie 'Misery'?" Joan and Trendz nod. "I read the book," says Hot Librarian. "Like that." "O...

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  Axios headline: Gen X is losing confidence GenX: We had confidence? Ever? In anything?

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  "I tried kombucha," you answer. "First I thought it was bad, then OK, then no." "Been done," says Trendz. "What else?" "I went to the library and a coffee shop in my PJs. That's weird." "Not even. Have you seen GenZ? No, it's something else." "The hashtags are no help," sighs Joan. As you brainstorm, the cafe fills up. You bump the music up. "Maybe it's something someone's saying about you," sug...

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  You find an indie flick called "The Fediverse." The hero, JM, inhabits an alt-timeline world. Their main superpower is "boosting." There are subplots about esoteric computer systems, a reptilian alien overlord (and his hot wife), and cats, but the main villain is an evil billionaire. Halfway through, you get a text: "Reply now to federate." There's a knock at the door. You answer. A woman with a pound sign tattoo on her shoulder tells you to follow her. Ther...

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  I'm in my crone era. I'm witchmaxxing. I'm bog mogging

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  To whom do I speak about making this face a US postage stamp? #CatsOfMastodon

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  "Is there a back door?" you ask Lily. There's a fluttering noise as the roosting bats descend in a flurry of leather wings. You blink and are surrounded by the most wholesome plaid-clad people you've ever seen. "Who...?" you ask. "That's not important," a ruddy older man dismisses the question, thumbs hooked in his overall straps. "We'll distract 'em. You run." The bats engage the HOA goons. You look back to see much flailing and sq...

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  Dashi says hello #CatsOfMastodon

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  Y'all! A pick-a-path podcast! We've been training for this! #WBUR The Midnight Rebellion | WBUR Podcasts https://share.google/TOKltJrxVk44uhnV4

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  May 5 White People Checklist: *Are you wearing a themed hat? Take it off. *Tacos are fine. Ditto burritos. *If you must drink tequila on a Tuesday, that's on you, not Mexico. *No one cares that you went to Cabo once. Ditto Tijuana. *Mexican Independence Day is Sept. 16.