The Onion

The Onion

Apple Backs Up Tim Cook’s Memories To Port Over Into Next CEO

The Onion

At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a […]

The Onion

‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens

WASHINGTON—Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity’s power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth’s biggest pedophile. “People of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planet’s affairs at once!” said Grelahr Xoxneb […]

The Onion

What To Know About The Live-Action ‘Moana’

Disney’s live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is the target audience? A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to relive their childhood. Q: Who is the villain? A: The looming threat of a […]

The Onion

GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag

WASHINGTON—Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they’d known for years, allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. “Like so many Americans, we had our concerns about Mitch, but when the technician unzipped that vinyl pouch and let […]

The Onion

Lindsey Graham’s Will Orders Estate To Start War With Azerbaijan

WASHINGTON—Stipulating that the South Caucasus nation should be nothing but ash by the time it’s all over, the will of recently deceased Sen. Lindsey Graham orders his estate to start a war with Azerbaijan, sources confirmed Monday. “The entirety of the document consists of very specific battle plans for the scorched-earth military conquest of Azerbaijan […]

The Onion

A24’s ‘Elden Ring’ Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set

BLÁSKÓGABYGGÐ, ICELAND—Expressing regret that the interruption would delay the highly anticipated video game adaptation, the producers of A24’s upcoming Elden Ring film announced Tuesday that the project had stalled after a red phantom named TwinkPunisher invaded the set. “Despite our security team’s best efforts, a loincloth-wearing invader with the handle TwinkPunisher was able to gain […]

The Onion

Profits Soar As Taylor Farms Rebrands As Biological Weapons Manufacturer

The Onion

U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft

WASHINGTON—Pledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States had officially instated a military wife draft.  Hegseth told reporters that given the “abysmal” numbers of Americans who voluntarily enlisted to wed U.S. soldiers, he […]

The Onion

Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’

The Onion

Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game ‘The High Winter Elves Of Girlville’

LOS ANGELES—Calling the effort the purest distillation to date of where she is as a dungeon master, pop star Olivia Rodrigo released her long-awaited tabletop roleplaying game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville on Friday. The multiplatinum artist, who appeared on an episode of The Eldritch Lorecast this week, spoke of how the years she […]

The Onion

Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling

PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post for spelling. “Let’s see, is it ‘they’re’ or ‘their’? Phew, that would have been embarrassing,” said Myers, who obsessively tinkered with a […]