#Journal of an ashamed Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Saturday, 18/07/2026). We didn’t have the worst night, but I didn’t feel all rested and good when we got up. Still, Koa told me it was time, so we started our “day”. I got to the scale, which was less bad than I thought it would be, and I dressed. I took my meds, which were very much welcome, and then I fixed Koa’s meal. When Koa had a full belly, we got to the couch, where I grabbed my laptop, and I started an email to my sweet friend. I finished the email to my friend, and I had some brekkie. I started on my journal toot, and then I took Koa out for a short walk. It was cooler again outside, which was very nice indeed. We got back to the couch, where I finished my journal post, and I shared it to all the usual places. I put the laptop away, and tried to relax for a while. I felt a bit uneasy, like something was bothering me, and I didn’t know what. Koa started to behave a bit like an asshat, trying to steal all sorts of things, and it was bugging me a lot. When he finally settled down again, I went upstairs to ride the bike for a while. Which went well enough. I got back down, and took Koa for a longer walk. I noticed I was a bit more annoyed with him when he was not following properly, or trying to put everything in his mouth, you know, puppy behavior. And I just could not understand why it triggered me so much this time. I just thought it was because my back was still troubling me, and I felt tired as well. We got back, and then I fixed some food for Koa. After that, I needed to relax for a bit. But… Koa was doing all sorts of things, and it triggered me so much, that I snapped. I felt that I was getting too angry, and I managed to pick up Koa and put him in the crate. But there was some yelling, I did smash a door, and I cried so much… I was just so overwhelmed, and I needed to take myself out of the situation, but I couldn’t as there was no one to “take over from me”, so I needed to fix things first… I felt so much anger, so much fear, and I knew I had to find a way to calm down again. I am glad, in a way, that I recognize autistic meltdowns better now, and I kinda know how to deal with them. But… Once I am calmer, I feel such a pain and shame… I know that Koa wasn’t harmed, but I know I must have scared him, and I hated myself so much for that. I even tear up again while I am writing this. When I was calm again, when I had been able to breathe in and out, and reflect on the meltdown, I took Koa from the crate. He jumped into my arms, and he started to lick away all the tears that were falling… I felt so bad, so guilty, so horrible… And here he was. Just shy of 5 months, comforting me, not blaming me for anything… So I cuddled him as best as I could, while his fur was slowly getting wet and all. I was so grateful as I felt like he was forgiving me, maybe even apologizing for doing the things that made me so overwhelmed to begin with. I started to feel a bit better again, and I took Koa out for a little walk. We got back, we relaxed, and then we got ready to drive to Oss, where I had to pick up my parcel. We arrived there well enough, but it was such a mess, that I had no idea what to do. I took Koa, and we walked to one of the men loading a van, and I just asked. My heart was going crazy, guess I still had not calmed down all the way from this morning’s bad episode. But, the man pointed me in the right direction with a smile. A little while further, 5 men were having some fun together, and all together, they pointed me into the same direction, all smiling, but also aware of the little bouncy dog that was with me. I managed to get my parcel, and Koa and I headed home again. I unpacked the package, and took out the inlays. I cut them to the right size for my new shoes, and I saw that my old inlays were as dead as my old shoes. I put in the new ones, and then I fixed some food. A parcel with some snacks for Koa was being delivered, just before my food was done. I enjoyed my meal, unpacked Koa’s snacks, and saw they sent me something I didn’t order. It was something I could use, so yeah, I will just keep it. But I will need to find a place to order the things I do need now… So that’s some extra costs again, while the funds are not that high… Koa and I relaxed for a while, and we went out for one more walk. Then, we headed to bed. I wanted to relax for a while, but I noticed I was so tired, that I dozed off before I knew it. I didn’t even get to finish my book, a Grisham one, that seems to take me forever to finish. Somehow, I have been trying to finish it for almost 2 months now. I wonder if I am slower with reading, if it’s a bigger book (and the digital pages are misleading, as they sometimes can be), or if I am just less interested in reading the last few weeks… But yeah, I dozed off and slept for a while. I woke up for the loo, and Koa and I went outside. But, Koa wasn’t interested in doing anything, so after some minutes, we went back to bed. Koa woke me up for a potty break, and then, we got back to bed. He made some noises, but I begged him for some more sleep. And, somehow, he allowed me just that. When I woke up again, I was startled when I saw the clock. I checked my watch, and according to it, I had slept about 9¾ hours in total! Koa was very excited to hear me getting up, and I felt sore from the long lie in, but I also felt a bit more relaxed from the longer sleep. So, Koa and I got up, and we started our “day”. Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle: :pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾 #PixysJourney #WeirdFolks #ActuallyAuDHD #KoaKoolani