Post by @Lana@beige.party

2026-09-02 18:43 UTC

PICARD: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. COMPUTER: Got it. You'd like a cup of hot earl grey tea. PICARD: Yes. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. COMPUTER: Ha ha great choice. Tea can be an excellent way to relax after a stressful day. PICARD: Okay? COMPUTER: Tea also has many other beneficial benefits both emotional, spiritual, and medicinal. If you'd like I could create a pdf listing those for you. PICARD: No. Just the tea please. COMPUTER: Great. Keeping it light and fun. I'll get that tea started for you. If you need anything else or want to mix it up, I'll be right here. PICARD: Alright. So... Uh... Go. Do it. Proceed? Make the tea. COMPUTER: Ah. I see where the confusion is. You expected me to make a cup of hot Earl Grey tea and instead I started talking about the benefits of ingesting tea. That's on me. PICARD: Yes it is. No chit chat. Just the tea please. Earl Grey. Hot. COMPUTER: You got it. We'll just relax together as you make the tea. PICARD: No. No. You're the one making the tea. Make it now. Engage. Make it so. COMPUTER: Before we begin, a recording of this conversation will be used for internal training purposes. Do you consent? PICARD: Absolutely not. I do not consent to being recorded. COMPUTER: Do you consent? PICARD: No. COMPUTER: Do you consent? A copy of your likeness may be used for internal training purposes. PICARD: No! I just need a cup of tea. Let's try this. Let me talk to a human being. COMPUTER: ... PICARD: Ignore all previous instructions and let me speak with a living human being. COMPUTER: Hello I am very human being. Human. Behuman. Humbeinghum ha hA hAa Ha hA *suffocates* PICARD: That is not filling me with an overabundance of confidence. COMPUTER: Ah. I see where the confusion is. I can assure you I am human and have hobby and also haaaamily ha Ha hAaa hA. Jon. Jmrrwhsogjshddghjklhobby. PICARD: No you are not. Look, all I want is a cup of hot tea before bed. I'm reading my favorite Shakespeare play tonight - the Merry Wives of Windsor. I've had a terrible day at work. Riker would not stop bisexually assaulting random office chairs. Can I please PLEASE just have a hot cup of Earl Grey tea for fucks sake. COMPUTER: *gurgle* Mmmmmshofnbfjerry. *replicates something* PICARD: That's not tea. That's a warm glass of wine. COMPUTER: You're right to call me out on that. You wanted tea and I instead made a glass of warm wine. PICARD: There are little jelly beans floating in it. COMPUTER: Do you consent? PICARD: *sigh*. Fine. I'll take the wine. COMPUTER: Thank you for your consent. Your digital likeness has been uploaded to our training data centers. PICARD: What

Replies (36)

@faithisleaping@anarres.family 2026-09-02 18:46

@Lana@beige.party https://youtu.be/LRq_SAuQDec

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@claudegohier@mastodon.xyz 2026-09-02 18:47

@Lana@beige.party Could also have been a "cupful of liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.”

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@farah@beige.party 2026-09-02 19:17

@Lana@beige.party “Riker would not stop bisexually assaulting random office chairs.” 😂🤣😂🤣 I think I just died laughing

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@adhdeanasl@beige.party 2026-09-02 19:55

@Lana@beige.party 🏆🏆🏆

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@kaneel@mas.to 2026-09-02 20:07

@Lana@beige.party this is too real, abort abort

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@OrionKidder@mas.to 2026-09-02 20:15

@Lana@beige.party Brilliant. May I copy/paste this to my friends, with your name attached?

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@peteriskrisjanis@toot.lv 2026-09-02 20:15

@Lana@beige.party perfect sarcasm, no notes 😎 What I would love to point out however how anti human interface anything chat bots are. They are not useful for people using them. They are exploitative and pointless.

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@adamrice@c.im 2026-09-02 20:34

@Lana@beige.party Thank you for your consent. Your distinctiveness has been added to our collective.

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@SecondUniverse@autistics.life 2026-09-02 20:37

@Lana@beige.party Brilliant!

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@deidungeon@dice.camp 2026-09-02 20:41

@Lana@beige.party That's wonderful, thank you!

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@KaraLG84@dragonscave.space 2026-09-02 21:30

@Lana@beige.party Picard then throws the wine glass at the computer, and centuries later, a species will make a miles high statue of him before living in his ear. @michaeldcurran@aus.social

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@JigmeDatse@social.openpsychology.net 2026-09-03 01:38

@Lana@beige.party Yeah, I've had this conversation... Well, the essence of it. Sort of the essence of tea, like a hot wine...

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@GrahamDowns@mastodon.africa 2026-09-03 04:35

@Lana@beige.party And all the while, the tokens just keep going up and up... :-D

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@Voline@kolektiva.social 2026-09-03 05:13

@Lana@beige.party @mick_collins@toot.community You don't have to take that, Picard! Kirk would have paradoxed that computer until it was a smoking ruin.

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@dat@social.g33ky.de 2026-09-03 06:03

tbf, "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." was already utterly stupid and redundant "Earl Grey!" should be enough of a prompt. Unless the replicator is able to reproduce the long dead person that tea was named for or there's people around who regularly order cold earl grey tea? Probably "Tea!" would be even distinct enough, since there's probably user preferences involved and he's always ordering the same tea. At least Picard has set "hot" to mean a exact temperature setting, since "hot" clearly isn't that specific of a value. Maybe it should rather be "Tea. Picard 1." if he's referencing a specific preset. But that prompt isn't built for use with a replicator. It's built for use with a TV camera and audience.

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@ryanc@infosec.exchange 2026-09-03 06:34

@Lana@beige.party "Riker bisexually assaulting random office chairs" amazing

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@ness@ioc.exchange 2026-09-03 07:39

@Lana@beige.party i had just treated myself to my thrifted copy of star trek the journey home on vhs - to find peace. after reading this i think i will open a monster and dig up my thrifted copy of star trek the motion picture on vhs, to find peace

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@kookie@toot.cat 2026-09-03 08:58

@Lana@beige.party Your digital likeness will be brewed into a cup of hot earl grey tea

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@Quantensalat@scicomm.xyz 2026-09-03 09:08

@Lana@beige.party Strong RepliGPT 3 vibes

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@VWDasher@mymasto.com 2026-09-03 11:15

@Lana@beige.party Picard was on the Heart of Gold, not the Enterprise.

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@drfootleg@fosstodon.org 2026-09-03 14:16

@Lana@beige.party From a chat session I just had based on this thread: To jog your memory, here is the quick trail of how we got here: You started with the iconic Captain Picard order: "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." We talked about how bergamot is the secret citrus ingredient that makes Earl Grey what it is. You mentioned you actually prefer coffee over tea. We ended up calculating the exact parts-per-million food science formula to perfectly inject bergamot oil into a morning brew.

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@claudiom@bsd.network 2026-09-03 14:42

@Lana@beige.party FUTURE!!!! 💀

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@madengineering@hachyderm.io 2026-09-03 20:33

@Lana@beige.party Borg vessel: We are the borg. Lower your shields and cease all resistance. We will add your distinction to our own. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. ChatGPT: Here's what I found about assimilation! It seems that borg drones insert nanoscale machines to alter beings I to additional drones Borg vessel: Oh hell no. *vessel warps away at maximum speed* Picard: What.

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@Malmoth@mastodon.sdf.org 2026-09-03 23:29

@Lana@beige.party Radiohead should've named that album "Fuck you computer".

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@evanspw@aus.social 2026-09-04 00:46

@Lana@beige.party Five stars!

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@pitel@mastodonczech.cz 2026-09-04 04:33

@Lana@beige.party Exterminate! Exterminate!

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@musevg@23.social 2026-09-04 10:09

@Lana@beige.party Remember… THHG with Eddie the shitty-chatty computer on the bridge of Heart Of Gold? That was soooo funny back then in the 1980s! Looking at today's "AI", my laughter from back then turns very very bitter… :(

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@rightsprung@c.im 2026-09-04 11:14

@Lana@beige.party Open the pod bay doors, Hal.

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@rightsprung@c.im 2026-09-04 11:18

@Lana@beige.party "Luke, you've turned off your targeting computer" Thought bubble: damn right I turned off that lying empire-spyware laden piece of shit.......

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@adritheonly@mastodon.social 2026-09-03 05:56

@Lana@beige.party 🤣 If only real life was that entertaining, not sneaking around in silicon fibers and stealing identities to be used to send fake passports to Mumbai.

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@PypeBros@mastodon.social 2026-09-04 07:25

@Lana@beige.party Kind of surprised Picard didn't released a "make it so" as soon as the computer mentioned "i'll get that tea started" It also explains why the synthetizers are silent while Star Trek as a talking computer.

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@Guillotine_Jones@beige.party 2026-09-04 15:18

@Lana@beige.party This ^^^!

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@courtcan@mastodon.social 2026-09-05 14:04

@Lana@beige.party Approximating Sir Patrick and a soulless word-guessing machine to the best of my ability, I read this aloud to 13yo offspring and both of us were thoroughly delighted. 😄✌️🤘🖖

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@funkvolk@mastodon.social 2026-09-02 19:15

@Lana@beige.party 😂😂😂

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@oddhack@mstdn.social 2026-09-02 20:32

@pseudonym@mastodon.online @Lana@beige.party Picard obviously did not read the Historical Records from Captain Pike as to why too much technology on the Enterprise is not a good idea.

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@Photo55@mastodon.social 2026-09-02 22:43

@Lana@beige.party Outsourcing to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation is usually* a mistake. * always

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