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  It’s after half 10 in the morning and this beast is still snoozing (Yes, the bed is covered in cat hair because that’s her spot) #Caturday #CatsOfMastodon

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  If I’m an absolute cunt who assaulted their pregnant partner, please do rejoice when I die! Slag me off! Don’t be shy, really give it to me in death!

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  Just 2 more days of my builder mansplaining at me in voice notes, I can’t wait 🫶

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  I think a lovely first date and a long make-out session would fix me

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  Present Robyn really hates Past Robyn and their decision to stuff all their excess clothes and crap into an ottoman bed before the house was put on the market, because now they have to get it all out and pack it for moving.

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  I’m moving house today! I’ve only had 2 hours sleep and I feel sick, let’s do this.

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  Fuck me, I thought the nukes were inbound

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  Here she is, settling into her new home by fighting ❤️ #BlackCatAppreciationDay #CatsOfMastodon #BlackCatsOfMastodon

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  This is the worst take I’ve ever seen Smut is ✨literature✨ and it’s bloody hard to write well, actually

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  Oh Jesus, you try and leave Sky Broadband and you have to speak to a “Loyalty Expert” 🤮

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  I liked this guy, but we’ve just had a phone date and he repeatedly recited Ken Dodd jokes until I became drier than a Weetabix.

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  Yesterday, my Crush touched my arm to stop me walking into someone and I could write 1000 words on the electricity that feeling on my bare skin generated.

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  RE: https://mastodon.social/@robyneatseverything/116861037598907583 I’ve solved the mystery - she’s in a food coma because I accidentally left the fridge door slightly open last night and she’s eaten 2 whole chicken breasts.

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  Hello my loves 👋 I’m sorry I haven’t been around much - my life looks a bit different recently and I’m figuring it all out right now. Kbyeeeee ❤️

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  I’m back on the apps and here’s a pro tip: if a guy says on his profile that he’s looking for someone who “doesn’t take things seriously”, it means he’s going to cheat 🚩

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  Finally getting my slut back: fucked two different guys at different times yesterday. One in the morning (new guy from the apps), one in the evening (boyfriend, also from the apps but 2.5 years ago so hardly matters now).

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  I’ve been project managing the refurb of one house at the same time as getting ours ready to go on the market all within the space of about 6 weeks and I’m fucking tired and I have no money left and I’m very small.

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  The smug face of someone who pulls clean washing onto the ground to nest in and knows they’ll get away with it. #CatsOfMastodon #Caturday

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  Today, Nestie and I have been together for 15 WHOLE YEARS ❤️

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  @neil Thank you!!

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  @CaptMikeYates Thanks!

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  Random girl in the pub: “Being skinny is horrible in winter, I get so cold all the time. Look at you though, you must be warm, it’s like you’ve got extra layers” Me: *deathstare*

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  @BigTittyBimbo@kolektiva.social She truly was

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  Convinced the coil is effective contraception solely because once you’ve had it fitted, you never want a dick inside you ever again.

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  I thought I was broken before, but the photo of the tiny child in a blue hat being kidnapped by ICE has simply finished me FUCK ICE, FUCK TRUMP, FUCK FASCISM

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  My friend just got broken up with by a 40 YEAR OLD MAN who LEFT A NOTE in her living room that read “YOU LEFT LONG BEFORE I DID” and I am hysterical because men are INSANE

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  I’m about to shave a bit of my own head, what could go wrong

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  Finally met a cis guy who gives 10/10 head 💥 And we’re guaranteed a second meet because he left his jacket in my hotel room 💅

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  A reminder that puberty blockers aren't being banned for cis kids, because they're safe. It's not clinical risk, it's transphobia.