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  Me: Why did Mother Gothel grow old and die when Rapunzel's hair was cut, even though she still had her powers? Lawyer: I meant do you have any questions about the hearing.

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  Do vampires make tea with used tampons? Asking for my Master... I mean Mister.

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  [Waking up my daughter] Me: Wakey wakey. 5: Me: Wake up. 5: Me: 🎶Well, Tamatoa hasn't always been this glam I was a drab little crab once🎶 5: *groan* stop... singing...

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  Doctor: The results are back and unfortunately your sperm count is extremely low. There are a number of factors that can cause this and it can be as simple as wearing form fitting clothes too often. Robin Hood: ...

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  If you make a play on words when you shouldn't you will be punished.

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  Ah, the good old days on Twitter

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  Some people call me Mr Thrusty McThrusterPants* *Lol no one calls me that

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  Never forget the Lobster War of 1961

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  Spooktober is going well, with Smile and Barbarian. Smile was decent, nothing special in its subgenre of horror. Barbarian was pretty different and enjoyable but there are several points where the story is pushed along by human stupidity. What horrors should we watch next?

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  Friend: *sneezes* Me: Cthulhu bless you! Friend: What? [Tentacles erupt from ground, grab us and wave us around like crazy] Friend: WHAT'S HAPPENING?! Me: Let it happen, they'll let go when they get tired.

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  My wife was smacking me on the butt and noted that both cheeks make a different sound when smacked. I confirmed this to be true for her as well. Can anyone else confirm this? Same strength, angle and speed, etc. Now smack some booty, FOR SCIENCE!

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  I once did a comic in like 6th grade/1st Form called Sesame Street Combat. In it, Elmo took over Sesame Street and ended up throwing Big Bird off a cliff. Later on "The Masked Bird" showed up and nobody knew who he was and it was just Big Bird in a Zoro mask, hat and cape.

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  Thinking about turning this one into a T-shirt or a sticker or something.

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  Wife: You want coleslaw and eggs for your burger? Me: Yes please. 7: Mom, are you taking care of daddy? Me: Awwww. 7: Is Daddy like your child. Wife: 💀💀💀🤣

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  Me: We should move to Denmark. Wife: Yeah, but we'll have to watch out for vampires. M: I think we cook with enough garlic that we would be ok. W: What if garlic actually seasons people and Vampires spread that rumour to get people to eat more garlic.

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  You're saying this anus was professionally lapsed?