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  Dad of two stroppy, sullen, opinionated, teenage boys. Feel like I'm losing touch with them. Last night one couldn't sleep, so joined me. A few mins later he reached out and held my hand and went to sleep. I lay there streaming silent tears, treasuring the moment.

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  Less of a fess and more good advice: If I'm ill over the weekend I will take a sick day the following week to make sure I still get good time off. Being sick at the weekends is stealing your own time, get paid to be sick.

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  Went to a weight loss meeting. A motivational speaker called Carol told us to listen to our bodies. I do Carol and that's why I'm here, mine keeps telling me cake and crisps.

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  I am a doctor. I wish that I could prescribe dildos to people. We could in the Victorian era. The amount of people these days getting random household objects stuck in their arses is getting ridiculous. Please, you're an adult, just get a proper and safe dildo, for fuck's sake.

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  FYI - when your animals die, don't bury them in a plastic bag. If they accidentally get dug up at a later date, turns out it just makes a bag of hairy cat soup…

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  I refuse to pay for Costa coffees out of them machines. I can't remember the last time I paid for one. Just confidently hold it at the self checkout and waltz out. Free coffee tastes even better.

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  I'm a director of a wood stove company. I know my product harms my customers and their neighbours but the work is undemanding, pays well and affords me plenty of time with family. They'll be banned soon so there's no point resigning or moving to a more ethical industry now.

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  I live with a sheep dog but in a city. She doesn't mind watching human focused shows, like Eastenders, but she prefers something relevant to her. So she watches reruns of One Man and His Dog that I torrented for her while I cook my dinner.

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  I've been with my girlfriend for 13 years. We have a house and two kids. We're not fussed about marriage, but the real reason I haven't proposed is because I have too many friends who'd think they should be my best man and I can't be bothered with the fallout.

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  A few years back, my lawyer wrote a scathing letter to my ex employer on my behalf warning them that I will take action for something they did wrong. My lawyer signed the letter "I trust we have an understanding". Since then I've been using that to sign passive-aggressive emails.

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  My cat's taking pills to give him his appetite back. These work so well that he confused the sound of scooping cat shit out of the litter box with putting biscuits in his bowl. Daft sod RAN across the house, so entranced that he ate his own shit before realising it wasn't dinner.

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  I often pick bits of food out from between the gaps in my teeth, sometimes I realise it was from 2/3 days ago and is still there, but I still leave it in my mouth and swallow it What else are you going do with it?

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  Holidayed in Greece many years ago. Accidentally kissed a German man between the shoulder blades thinking he was my topless wife.

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  Not myself but a friend once confessed that during a wank the cat walked in and he blew his load all over the cat, the cat horrified then jumped out the window and landed on his mother's head covering his mums head in his jizz.

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  I was seeing a woman for a few months and all was well. She had my sisters first name which I could just about deal with but binned her off when I found out her Brother had my first name as well and I couldn't deal with it in the bedroom for some reason. Sorry about that.

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  My dad always refused to buy us the Guinness book of records because he hated the politics of the McWherters. I don't know if they're still involved in it but I refuse to buy it for my grandkids for the same reason.

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  Aged 15, we found when you forced the return coin flap out on public phones you could pull the pound coin out, we spent weeks phoning American numbers and when answer phone came we asked if the husband was away, and was it safe to come around my American lover.

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  No judgment here. Add your confession here: https://b3ta.com/addfess

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  I don't share ideas with my partner any more because I'm always wrong. However, if they get the same suggestion from a mate they'll like it. I now just drop things out to their mates and wait for my ideas to get back to them. Ludicrous success rate.

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  As an 8 y/o boy I had an irrational & deep seated dislike of ballet dancers. I believed ballet dancing as a profession was as commonplace as bricklaying & that I'd be coerced into spending my adult working life leaping about in tight fitting black pants.

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  Rolled a knobbly condom over the dressing on my dog's injured paw, covered by a taped-on sock. Forgot to remove it in time so vet saw it in front of my mortified teenage daughter, then invited all the staff in to admire my ingenuity.

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  A teen in the 90s, I'd prowl the neighbourhood in the evening, stealing gnomes from gardens. I'd then place those gnomes doorsteps, ringing the bell and running away. If no gnome, an upside-down wheelie bin would do. Now almost 50, I'm sorry if you were one of those people.

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  On occasion, I like to dollop some jam on top of pizza. Dark jams like fig or cherry go well with Gorgonzola and prosciutto. Raspberry or blackberry goes well with pizza that has jalapeños or bacon. Marmalade is great with chicken or pork pizza toppings.

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  My GF's meat sausage rolls got mixed with my vegan sausage rolls. Offered them to the dog thinking he'll eat the meat ones and not the vegan ones. Greedy Labrador bastard ate all 12 of them.

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  I enjoy taking my handheld radio frequency jammer to the psychic clairvoyancy events my wife drags me to. The panic on the "psychic's" face when their assistant looking everyone up on social media behind the scenes gets replaced with static in their ear is brilliant.

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  I still run to the window when I hear a helicopter about to fly over. I'm 46, and a senior manager.

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  Neighbour said my garden wasn't mowed. I said 'Yeah but I get lots of butterflies and you don't'. He's now posting photos of lone butterflies in his garden. Evidently butterfly envy is a thing.

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  I retired today. My first project is to visit every tube station I've never used and have a meal at a nearby restaurant or café. First stop is Grange Hill, where I hope to eat a massive sausage.