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  I just want everyone to know that Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

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  Helpful advice if you're ever attacked by a group of clowns: go for the juggler.

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  Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... But I don't like to point fingers.

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  They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well... They're not laughing now.

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  Elevators terrify me. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

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  My friends and I are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.

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  The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

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  While most puns make me feel numb, math puns make me feel number.

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  If you aren't someone the church would have persecuted 400 years ago, are you even living?

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  Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit anything.

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  My memory is so bad. How bad is it? How bad is what?

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  My coworker accidentally drank from my Starbucks cup and said, 'Your coffee tastes just like rum.' . . . Weird, huh...

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  I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

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  FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time... Your body takes a screenshot.

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  News just in... The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.

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  I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines... She's a Singer-Songwriter.

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  I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day. It's still syncing.

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  What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts? Annette

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  I swear to drunk I'm not God... But seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

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  Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll give you an arm wrestle for them!

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  If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.

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  I got fired from my job as a restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer... Apparently, I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.

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  My parents just said they want another child. 'I'd love a sibling!' I said. 'That's not what we meant,' they replied.

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  I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old nephew this morning. There was a lot of crying and 'nobody wants me on their team' and 'I haven't got any friends.' Anyway, he was very nice and gave me some good tips on how to be more sociable.

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  I met a man named Jim Apple the other day. He has trouble introducing himself in France.

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  Why don't you ever see a MAGA hat at a magic show? Because they just disappear when you ask for a fact!

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  I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rearview mirror to dim the headlights. So I removed the mirror and haven't looked back since.

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  Can anyone tell me if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe?

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  Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

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  The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said, 'Dead batteries - $1 each.' I thought to myself, These should be free of charge.