I find it hard to have regrets because everything bad I went through this year were things I didn’t ask for, but was forced to deal with for one reason or another. I would have much rather enjoyed my time and lived the chill life I was trying to live than to deal with my business closing, my parents being absolute spergs and getting themselves thrown out of the family and going through surgery because my body decided to prepare itself for a motherload of breast cancer. All I wanted to do this year was enjoy my summer with my boyfriend and go on nature walks and read books and visit museums and have fun visiting friends and family. Instead I got heartbreak, financial stress and lost my boob while having to reckon with the fact that if I hadn’t gone to the doctor on a whim and the breast cancer clinic hadn’t insisted on getting me checked ASAP, I might have developed full on cancer and could have possibly died. The doctor who went over my post surgery directly told me that I had saved my own life by getting checked this early. That the cells were growing rapidly and would have turned cancerous any minute. So yeah, not really any regrets, just a lot of sad feelings that this year, that was supposed to the year where my man and I FINALLY got some time for us and to wind down after a couple of really stressful years, ended up being the most stressful year out of all of them. We are utterly exhausted now and are trying to prepare ourselves for an even more exhausting winter. We hope that next summer will be the year we finally get to have some fun in our lives. Happy to be alive, but some days I am really sad because I am grieving my company, my parents and my breast all at the same time and it is too much. One of these things would have been too much already, but all of them at once leaves a feeling inside that I cannot describe. I watched Kill Bill vol 1 and 2 the other day and that scene where Uma Thurman is cry-laughing on the bathroom floor describes pretty well how I feel inside. It is absolute torture to be this happy and this devasated at the same time. All the time.